Salvation for a Heretic!

I go through life motivated mostly by guilt, guilt over crimes too unfathomable to mention. I struggle with the bits of memories I have within, to no avail. The nature of my crimes continues to elude me. But I know I am guilty. I know I have to atone for myself, even at the risk of committing more crimes, even at the risk of committing public suicide (by proxy, of course). 

Riddled with such deep-seated sense of guilt, I know, I sound more Christian, more Catholic to be specific, than a Muslim. But then, this is what happens, I guess, when you put a 3-year old Muslim boy in a Maronite nunnery for two years. I can no longer bargain with God for my salvation. I just have to beg for it now, even prove worthy of it. Damn!

To complicate things even further, I am, as you know, not really a believer. Can you comprehend now the nature of my despair? To whom should I prove myself worthy? And who will deliver this salvation?

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On a related note, the Brookings just published a transcript of my recent talk on Syria after Mehlis. Also, my recent article in the Daily Star promises to put me in more trouble with the Syrian authorities. If I cannot earn my salvation, I might as well earn my damnation.