The speech I would have given

… had I been invited to speak at the White House Correspondents Dinner 

What can I say about President Barack Obama that hasn’t been said before? Oh yes, that he’s a man of action, – though mostly so unobtrusive that it is often confused with inaction, – a man who puts the fear of God in his enemies, – well, at least those of them who are not Russian, Chinese, North Korean, Iranian, Syrian or Republican, – and is known to his friends all over the world, yes all none of them, as Mr. Reliable and Trustworthy. “That Barack Hussein Obama,” the Saudi monarch recently told me, “he is as reliable as a doorknob, on the wrong side of the door.” What a wonderful testament.

He takes criticism well, as the editors of the NY Times would attest, and doesn’t let small things like the onset of a new Cold War frustrate him. For he sees a silver lining in everything, even the genocide in Syria. After all, he made sure chemical weapons were only minimally used there. What success!

In fact, inspired by his countless foreign policy successes, the people at Merriam Webster Dictionary decided to change the definition of success to mean “unmitigated disaster,” and the word disaster to mean “eh?”

In honor of his red lines, I am told that M&M has decided to once again remove the color red from its collection to introduce the crystal colored M&M.

With him as president, and I am sure we can all agree on that, the world may not have become a better place, not by a long shot, but it has at least become as enjoyable as a movie – a long snuff movie.

And for this, and on behalf of the people of Syria in particular, who have simply outdone themselves playing the lead role in the said movie getting slaughtered heroically every day for our collective indifference, I say: thank you, Mr. President, thank you from the bottom of our bullet-ridden hearts, and note that I did not say chemicals-filled hearts in testament to your “success.”

Your presidency may not have heralded the end of racism in America, but it surely ushered the end of America’s relevance in the world, as well as the relevance of decency in world politics. For thanks to your leadership, “never again” shall we dream of a world free of genocide and dictators. With the Responsibility to Protect now safely relegated to such effective representative of gumption, common sense and global leadership as the UN Security Council, it’s no wonder that the Assads and Putins of the world, among other paragons of the heroic resistance against civil rights on the global stage, are taking heart and becoming more assertive. Yes they are, sir, for, under your inspirational leadership, yes, they can.

Thank you all,

Ammar Abdulhamid, a Syrian pro-democracy activist based in Washington, D.C.